Andy's Winter Driving Rules

Oct 31, 2023

Now, let me preface this rant with an observation: although my capacity for dealing with winter weather has diminshed over the years, as a general rule, I don’t particularly object to winter. Truth be told, if I’m comfortable with a mug of something warm at hand and a congenial animal¹ in my lap, I don’t mind it at all. It’s pretty to look at.

Driving in it, however, is another matter. I LOATHE driving in winter weather – and I’ve recently come to the realization that I’ve very nearly reached the end of my inclination and in many ways, my fortitude to do so; I have better, more entertaining, and more rewarding ways to risk my life.

I have had the experience of living in one of the snowiest locations east of the Mississippi River – and I lived there for a total of 18 years: Houghton County, Michigan, in the middle of that finger that juts out from the Upper Peninsula into the middle of Lake Superior. Parts of tt have an annual snowfall total of about 250 inches of snow a year. Most of it is rural, remote, and, if you screw up and do something stupid, chock-full of places where you can die in the wintertime without really going out of your way to do so. As a matter of survival, I’ve accumulated a number of rules pertaining to winter driving. With the onset of winter here in the sunny southern climes of Milwaukee, I’ve decided to share them.

Herewith, the rules:

1. Everyone – and I mean EVERYONE else on the road is a moron.
   More specifically, an epileptic moron with profound panic disorder living on the brittle knife edge of a catastrophic panic attack combined with a grand mal seizure. They will not be able to respond to any crisis in a reasoned, controlled manner; confronted with a looming collision, they will not remember the correct order of screaming, spinning the steering wheel, and stomping on the brake, but they will almost certainly try every damn combination.
2. Leave yourself an escape route at all times, and the room and path to take it. Don’t worry about pissing off other drivers; they’re already pissed off. Check your ego at the door and let them take their accident somewhere else to happen. If and when you take that escape route, there is no shame in going into the ditch. Going into a ditch or onto the median is ultimately much less expensive than hitting a sign, a vehicle, a building, or a person.
3. No sudden or severe changes. Not in direction, not in speed.
   If you need to change direction, do so gently. Pump the brakes, if you have to use them at all, but better yet, if you can get away with it, don’t stop at all. On a slick surface, it is much easier to avoid an idiot if you are already moving.
4. TURN YOUR FUCKING LIGHTS ON.
   Don’t argue, and don’t trust them if they’re “automatic”; just manually turn the damn things on.
5. Physics win. EVERY DAMN TIME.
   I don’t care how big and expensive your shiny artificial penis, excuse me, your sport utility vehicle is – it will not defy the laws of physics for you. An object in motion tends to remain in motion, and tends to travel in the direction it’s already moving. Rushing up to an intersection with the intent of slowing down sharply to make that left turn, or weaving in and out of traffic in slick conditions will only make you the star of someone else’s stupid driver story – especially if you don’t survive.
6. As you’re walking to your car, notice how heavily the snow is falling – and consider that it’s going to seem to be falling much more heavily when you’re moving at 10 or 20 times that speed. Do you really need to go wherever it is you’re going? News flash: at the end of the day, your life and well-being are worth much more than someone else’s expectations.